Archive for the ‘LOLetters to the Editor’ Category

Let’s Blow Some Shit Up

October 10, 2008
It’s a lazy, rainy Friday afternoon at my house.  I’m watching “Dexter” while I work, and I’m just too sluggish to write about anything.  But I’m NEVER too lazy to print a good LOLetter to the Editor.  Today’s (from the Sun News) is a classic:
WHY NOT TRY BLOWING UP A HURRICANE?

I have a probable solution for stopping or at least disabling the mighty hurricanes that destruct and destroy many lives and property along their pathways.

With today’s advances in resources and technology, we could track these storms as they form from the beginning in their infancy and at such time when they look to become a full-fledged hurricane, drop a megaton blast that would be equivalent to a hydrogen bomb or greater (without the radiation, of course) down into the center (eye) of the circling whirlwind, detonating it at or about water level. This should be enough force to scatter its revolving patern into more of a tropical storm, which would be far less than the destructive force that it could become if left alone.

If one blast didn’t get the job done, then one or two more back up blasts could be administered. If at that point we could break it up to become a tropical storm, then we could probably get only the needed rain it would produce, with minimum wind damage.

Some people might say this isn’t right because you’re interfering with mother nature. I disagree with that conception, after all mother nature is not always on target.

What about the natural disasters that we try to control such as the devastating forest fires that also occur annually? Don’t we try to control them as well?

What’s the downside to my theory of breaking down the hurricane? I don’t know, but it’s worth a calculated attempt to blow these monsters apart when they are just getting started and to stop for the most part the fear, devastation, disruption, monetary losses and loss of life that follows in the path of hurricanes.

The writer lives in Murrells Inlet.

The Church of Christ-Pentecostal Ad War is Getting Ugly

October 8, 2008

One thing I miss about living in Tennessee is easy access to the Dunlap Tribune.  It’s a small-town weekly and “the only newspaper in the world devoted exclusively to the progress of Sequatchie County.”  True dat.  My in-laws brought me a copy during their visit last weekend, and I was thrilled to find the following ad on page 3, in between an ad for the Third Annual Run Away Pig Road Race and an article about the McMinn County Living Heritage Museum’s quilt show. (more…)

How Letters Are Suppose to Be Written

October 1, 2008

Today’s letter (from The Sun News) merits recognition not so much for its sentiment but for its creative use of the English language.  (Not that the writer doesn’t have any ideas; in fact, she has an Idea.)  Read on: (more…)

I Always Wanted to Marry Someone Just Like Mom

September 24, 2008

 

Today, Clay Aiken finally told us the grass is green and oh, by the way, he’s gay.  LiLo confirmed that she’s loved SamRon for “a very long time.”  I’m sensing a sea change in the freedom gay Americans have to be themselves.  And isn’t that the most basic freedom?  And doesn’t the right to marry their beloveds necessarily follow?  I’m certainly glad that Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw, Brad Pitt, and their respective wallets think so.  High five!

According to one of my anonymous tipsters, though, the good news hasn’t reached Fort Smith, Arkansas, where “same-sex marriage” means signing up for a lifetime of living out your incestuous fantasies.  Say what???  Read on:

KEEP MARRIAGE AS IT HAS BEEN

I am all for same sex marriages. My wife wants me to be the same sex as her father and my father. I want her to be the same sex as my mother and her mother. This philosophy has served us pretty well for almost 40 years. Sorry, that’s not the kind of same sex marriages the Democratic hypocrites wish to hear about.

Frank Oliver

Fort Smith

*Cut the banjo music.*

There’s No Turning Back!

September 9, 2008

Today’s letter comes from Entertainment Weekly , since – miracles of miracles – today’s Sun News submissions weren’t LOL-worthy.  It’s more cringe-inducing than it is stoopid, but all I can do is work with what I’m given, people.

Legends of the Fall…and Summer

What are fans of the Harry Potter movies supposed to do now that Warner Bros. has postponed the release date until next summer (Fall Movie Preview)?  Many of us have had hand-made countdowns posted on our bedroom walls or digital ones on our MySpace pages.  I know many fans intend to boycott the move out of spite.  I’ll see it, but a portion of Potter’s revenue is made by fans who see the movie repeatedly in the theater.  That I won’t do.

Mandi McNabb, Denver

Settle Down, Beavis

September 7, 2008

This is the day which the Lord hath made; let us push a Senator into the grave, lower a theoretical flag to half mast, and foam at the mouth about it.

FLAG

No half-staff for Sen. Kennedy

Is it an oxymoron for Sen. Barack Obama’s slogan to be ‘”it’s time for a change” and then have Sen. Ted Kennedy be first speaker at the Democratic National Convention? Kennedy is another source in the Senate that has kept us stagnant, an anchor or dead weight.

The hypocrisy will continue when Kennedy goes to “the happy hunting grounds” and our flag is ordered to half-staff, this honor for a person whose family wealth was produced partly from bootlegging, similar to drug trafficking in modern times. Our flag is not at half-staff for our servicemen who died in foreign lands now but will be for a senator still wet with the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.

Michael DiPresso
Myrtle BeachNote: @- denotes e-mail letters.

Obama Taunts God: Exactly One Person Notices

September 7, 2008

I watched closely, but I didn’t catch all the action at the Democratic National Convention.  Luckily, one of my fellow citizens had her gaze fixed firmly upon Barack Obama and his shenanigans.

DEMOCRATS

Humans alone can’t create reform@-As I listened to and now reflect upon the Democratic Convention, I am sadly convinced that their grandiose dreams and plans cannot come to fruition. No change or reform is possible by human power alone. Taunting and manipulating our creator and his laws can merely result in further decline in human self-respect and morality. They truly do not get it.

Yet each speaker invoked God’s blessing on all. God does not dictate or punish. The misuse of our divinely endowed free will does so.

Mary Cummins
North Myrtle Beach

For Real?

September 5, 2008

J says today’s letter is satire; I say you can never overestimate the stupidity of the average Grand Strand resident.  We report; you decide.

REVERSAL

Force smokers to light up indoors@-I remember hearing that the hole in the ozone layer was caused by cigarette smoke. I think that the laws that are forcing smokers to smoke outside is worsening the problem. Before these laws were passed the smokers were inside where the smoke was easily absorbed by furniture, carpeting, hair, clothing and lungs. I therefore take it upon myself to encourage everybody to write their congressmen to urge them to change these laws 180 degrees and instead force smokers to smoke indoors.

Tom Murtha
Myrtle Beach

I Next in Line to Spew Hatred

September 4, 2008

Does the Sun News turn away any letters to the editor?  I am beginning to wonder.  In an effort to turn a negative into a positive, though, I’ve decided to post the worst of them here for our collective amusement.  I’m going to call them LOLetters to the Editor.  Keep in mind that I pay money for the privilege of reading this crap (those of you who have ever lived in a small town can feel my pain).

Today’s letter comes from a “real” American with a busy schedule and no time to wait for her verb-deprived fellow man to cut in line to pay for a loaf of bread.  Take a peek: (more…)