The Church of Christ-Pentecostal Ad War is Getting Ugly

One thing I miss about living in Tennessee is easy access to the Dunlap Tribune.  It’s a small-town weekly and “the only newspaper in the world devoted exclusively to the progress of Sequatchie County.”  True dat.  My in-laws brought me a copy during their visit last weekend, and I was thrilled to find the following ad on page 3, in between an ad for the Third Annual Run Away Pig Road Race and an article about the McMinn County Living Heritage Museum’s quilt show.



No Pentecostal preacher within the Sequatchie Vally or surrounding mountains is working miracles today.  I know there are some who claim God is working through them in miraculous fashion.  I am confident, however, that these self-appointed apostles are really fakes and their claims are bogus.  In the first century Christ’s apostles instantaneously healed the blind, cripple, deaf,and dumb.  The sick and diseased that were miraculously healed were immediately made whole with no need for  period of convalescence.  On occasion they even raised the dead.  All of these miracles were actual and real supernatural acts of God whereby he transcended His own laws of nature.  In fullness of faith I accept without hesitation every miracle recorded on the pages of the Bible.  I believe they happened in exactly the way they are portrayed within God’s holy writ.

Miracles like these performed by the hands of the apostles, however, are not being duplicated today by Pentecostal preachers.  They cannot do what the apostles did.  When the apostles worked miracles it was obvious to the whole community and even the enemies of truth could not deny it (Acts 4:16).  But this is not the case today.  I can prove it beyond any shadow of a doubt.  Here is what I propose: Let the Pentecostals select from anywhere in the world the best “miracle worker” among them, a man or woman in whom they believe God is working.  Let us set an appointed time to meet at the cemetery of their choice anywhere in the Sequatchie Valley.  I will allow my Pentecostal friend to select the grave of his choice.

We will request the local funeral home director to verify that indeed a corpse occupies the selected grave beneath.  This verification is necessary as I don’t want the Pentecostal people to think I’m trying to cheat them out of a victory.  Let us then advertise the event as widely as possible that the public may attend.  At the appointed time  and place all interested may assemble while my pentecostal friend prays for the deceased to come out of the grave.  Simultaneously I’ll pray for the dead to remain in the grave.  No one will have to say anything.  The results will be obvious to all.  If our Charismatic friends are successful, and can duplicate what the apostles did, it will become national news.  If the Pentecostals accept this challenge I am fully confident they shall utterly fail.  Do we have any takers?  If not, why not?

-Dunlap Church of Christ


14 Responses to “The Church of Christ-Pentecostal Ad War is Getting Ugly”

  1. cate3710 Says:

    If you’ve got to go and raise the dead, I think it would be better to use a fresher corpse. It’s just mean to reanimate someone and make them dig their way out of a grave.

  2. dorothyzbornak Says:

    Oh, sweet jeebus, I gotta get a ticket to the corpse reanimation-off! Sounds like a great meet-up opportunity to me!

  3. The Mayor of Bethville Says:

    @cate: Right! What reanimated corpse is going to want to dig his/her way back up out of the ground? Remember when that happened in Pet Sematary? All hell broke loose. Lots and lots of people died. What a mess.

  4. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    You guys are killing me. Of course the Tribune is not online, but I knew it would be worth it to re-type this nonsense. You didn’t disappoint.

  5. Diane Says:

    Hi! I’m the director of the Living Heritage Museum. Could I get a copy of the article about our quilt show?

  6. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    Diane, Sure. Just send me your snail mail address at

    Thanks for stopping by.

  7. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    OK never mind. I have your address, Diane. I’ll send it your way.

  8. lalaland13 Says:

    Oh Church of Christ. I was one of them. No instruments and uh, my mom claims they make you feel guiltier than Baptists do. But I guess it just depends on the denomination. If I can remember any juicy secrets, I’ll try an d share them.

    I don’t remember any Pentecostal wars, though. Sorry. How funny-sad though. The thing about small-town papers, is sometimes they’ll print damn near anything to fill up the opinion page. Even letters from Narconon. Are they the ones who are Scientologists?

  9. amazonredheadedubervixen Says:

    Don’t scoff, y’all. This has reality TV potential. I’m gonna pitch it to Fox, and watch if they don’t pay big bucks for “So You Think You Can Reanimate That Decrepit Corpse.”

    @Cate: That was my first thought.

  10. badenbaden Says:

    I don’t know what just happened here, but I like it.

  11. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Oh my, sounds like a war over the collection plate AND they’re imposing on some poor uninterested dead person! Geez, let’s break out the snake handling contest next!

  12. cate3710 Says:

    You know, I’ve been giving this some more thought. (I blame the allergy meds) Did anyone besides Jesus raise the dead? Jesus raised Lazarus (who, I should note, was freshly dead and didn’t have to deal with getting out of a coffin/grave/tomb, lucky bastard), but did the apostles do anything similar? I don’t even remember them doing any really impressive healing, though I haven’t read the Bible or been to church in ages, so I could be wrong.

  13. TheDomina Says:

    They need to sell tickets to this reanimation-off! I would be there with bells on!

    @Cate: I don’t think the apostles raised anyone from the dead, but I could be misremembering as it has been a long time since I read the bible.

  14. M Says:

    @cate3710 : but then, who raised jesus? it’s a chicken and egg problem. except, of course, both eggs and chickens are real.

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