Dearly Beloved, We are Gathered Here Today…

to bury the word “Hubs.”  Are you married?  Then you have a spouse.  You have a husband.  You have a worse half.  You have a ball and chain.  But you do not have a “Hubs.”  Why?  Because I say so.  I was already ready to light this word on fire when some truly TMI commenter on Jezebel pushed me over the edge with this comment about the manner in which her “Hubs” enjoys fucking her six ways to Sunday.  Congratulations, Mrs. Lovett, whoever you are, because you are the winner of our two-for-one casket special of the day.  Slip into its satin embrace, why don’t you, and snuggle up with your “Hubs” for all eternity.  We shall lay a wreath on your grave tomorrow when we return to the cemetery for the burial of “Strong Black Woman.”  I haven’t chosen a casketmate for that one, but Sherri Shepherd is currently a lap ahead of the lady who occupied the cubicle next to me during my co-op job at the Chattanooga Electric Power Board.  She let me know every day that she was not the default “weak black woman,” and I gotta say it really made an impression.  Here’s looking at you, kid.  Just like the Grim Reaper, I’ve got your number.

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12 Responses to “Dearly Beloved, We are Gathered Here Today…”

  1. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    “Hubs” strikes me as something that would be on a “$49.99 sale while they last” at Jimmy Bob’s Tire Emporium. Do.Not. Want.

  2. *h Says:

    I can not stand the word “hubs.” And for some reason, it seems to be everywhere lately. There has GOT to be a better word out there, people. That being said, I don’t really like the word “husband”, either. And I HATE calling my boyfriend “my boyfriend”, as we’ve been together for almost 9 years, and “my boyfriend” just sounds very 8th grade to me.

    What are the alternatives, you know? We need better words for everything.

  3. london_calling Says:

    I somehow have the feeling this woman had been kicked off of The Knot, or The Nest, or any of those fucking boards for being awful…if only Jez would do the same. That said, she also made me laugh for having no idea about what people might want to know about her at all either.

  4. dorothyzbornak Says:

    WOW. Her comment was, well, disturbing. I don’t really need that graphic sex talk at work, you know?

    But I agree, “hubs” needs to die in a fire, right along with stuff like “obvs” and other internet/text speak that’s currently killing the English language.

  5. badenbaden Says:

    I wonder if she calls her parents “the ‘rents”, too?

  6. nadarine Says:

    @*h: I called this very question into A Way With Words (KPBS in San Diego’s NPR talk show about words. god, I love words)!

    Basically, yes, I said “what’s a better word for boyfriend?”

    I think we agreed that there is no universally recognized slang that’s any clearer than “partner” (damn the business/liberal pretentiousness of “partner”!), but my favorite whimsical suggestions were “seriouso/seriousa” and “amare”.

  7. lalaland13 Says:

    She likes to be stuffed full of cock? And then put in the oven to cook for two hours, or what?

    Thanksgiving dinner: “Pass the cock, please!”

    I don’t want no hubs. A hub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.

  8. The Mayor of Bethville Says:

    This will probably offend some people because I know several particularly dear and wonderful people who comment here, on Jezebel, and know me from Facebook use this term, but you know what bothers the fuck out of me? Calling your boyfriend “the boy.” Like “the boy” and I are going to the movies later. “The boy” cooked me dinner last night. He’s not just some “boy” you picked up on the street corner. First of all, hopefully he’s a “man” by this time in his life. Futhermore, he has a name. And I really, really, really prefer someone saying, “BOB and I are going to the movies later. BOB cooked me dinner last night,” than just some generic term. Isn’t he important enough to you to warrant being called by his name in front of your friends? Not only that, but how am I ever supposed accept that he’s a part of my friend’s life if she never calls him by his name? Okay, I’m done ranting. If anyone is offended, you can come post on my blog at http://punchthisspitefulcuntintheface.blogspot.com.

  9. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    A “hubs” strikes me as something “on sale for $49.95 while they last” at Billy Bob’s Tire Emporium located on the by-pass of “good taste and decorum.” Do.Not.Want.

  10. Skinny Bone Jones Says:

    My BFF and I are partial to referring to her loverbird as the “manfriend.”

    I, obviously, am partial to loverbird.

  11. truculentandunreliable Says:

    A.fucking.men. I kinda like “the dude” or “the man” or “my dudely half.” NOT HUBS.

  12. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    Beth: I also dislike “the boy.” I have always just tried to accept it as something The Kids Today say, but now that I have a partner in hate, I will begin actively hating on that term. Hate, hate, hate. Whew! That feels good.

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