Childzilla Attacks Day Spa: No Survivors Found

Today, I paid $140.00 to get my hair did.  I’m not particularly proud of that, but it takes a village to keep the bottle blonde going, and that village ain’t cheap.  I justify it by telling myself that I didn’t choose for my favorite stylist to join a fancy salon; I’m just the sheep to her shepherd, and where she goes, I go, too.  Besides, the salon is really nice, with soothing music, free ice cold Diet Cokes, all the latest issues of “Us Weekly,” orgasmic scalp massages, and an all-around relaxing atmosphere that is seriously lacking in my home.  I took the financial plunge today because I’m going to see my girlfriends in Chicago this weekend, and I didn’t want to embarrass them with my dark roots and shaggy ‘do.  I have to say that it almost wasn’t worth it, though, because while my hair looks amazing (if I do say so myself), aChildzilla that some bitch decided to bring to the salon with her just about did me in.

It started out so well.  My girl Maggie knows I’m good for about five minutes of small talk, after which I like to bury my nose in a magazine while she brushes the blonde on my hair for the next hour or so.  Just as I was settling into W’s killer tribute to Yves Saint Laurent, the Childzilla struck.  She was twelve going on twenty, with a short skirt, a halter top, glittery flip flops, a lollipop, a Blackberry, and a yapping mouth that would put Jessica Simpson’s flycatcher to shame.  This little bitch would not shut up.  She told the stylist how to do her mom’s hair.  She practiced her cheerleading routines.  She danced around a poor girl who was getting an unfortunate tendril updo for her wedding photographs.  She talked on her cell phone.  She treated us to a real-time reading of her text message session with her BFF.  She told us about the boy who called her the day before.  “Like, I was like, OMG, like, just don’t call me today.  I mean, whatever.  I just don’t, like, like boys yet.”  (Never mind the outfit from the My Little Hoochie Collection).

And her mother?  Just sat there.  She opened her mouth maybe once to agree with the wonderfully wicked old woman next to her when she noted that the Childzilla was “something else.”  “Yes,” the mother said with a smile, “When we’re in the car, she flips the vanity mirror down and stares into it the whole time.  She’s all girl!”

Charming!  If you’ve ever wondered what the love child of Slut Machine and JLo would be like, you can wonder no longer.  Now if you’ll excuse me, Granny’s going to go write an angry letter to the salon owner about enforcing the “no children” policy, pour herself a stiff one, and settle in for the Johnny Cash documentary on PBS.  See you at the Red Lobster.

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8 Responses to “Childzilla Attacks Day Spa: No Survivors Found”

  1. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    What a tragically missed opportunity for birth control, ’cause there’s no way THAT little creature is advancing the gene pool. HOLY.FUCKING.HELL. I’m edgy just taking in your recounting of Satan’s little spawn!

    As for dropping that amount on your hair, don’t even blink! Hair is the LAST place to pinch pennies, because it readily shows. You’re so right to find a quality hairdresser and remain loyal. I was with my first real hairdresser from the time I was 11 till I was 32 when she closed her shop due to terminal illness. It took me a year to find her replacement, but it was worth the effort and I will be with her until one of us croaks! Even when I move, I will make travel arrangements to see this hairdresser…I am a picky, picky hair person! I too am a bottle blonde and it’s NOT an easy coloration to do in a tasteful manner.

  2. lalaland13 Says:

    Ahh I hate childzillas. This isn’t nearly as bad and probably isn’t even a childzilla, but I never know what to do when I’m in line at the grocery store and a kid just stares at me. It creeps me out. Do they have a radar and know I hate most kids?

    I get my haircut at the mall, which I know is bad, but it usually turns out pretty well and I’m poor. And I dye my hair at home, which is fun. I took advice from a gay man and stopped dying it reddish brown and went all brown. It’s hot. I need to do it again, since it’s been a while. Naturally, I’m lighter brown, but when I go dark brown ohhh.

  3. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Lalaland13 my slavishness to hair negates several other perks in life!

  4. angiesyounglover Says:

    someone didn’t pull out

  5. badenbaden Says:

    I will go anywhere with free Diet Cokes and new copies of US Weekly. True story.

    You know, I’m not a kid hater, and I get that babies cry sometimes and there ain’t nothing I can do about it. But when 12 year olds decide to practice their pom-pom routines outside of the gymnasium, that’s a no-go.

    I like to think that if I were there, I would have watched her practice with a silent, disapproving eye, and then slowly stood up and launched into my own award-winning routine to Janet Jackson’s “If.” Just to show her that we beyond-teenagers do. not. mess.

  6. spicytamale Says:

    Oh MBB! My kid is now in the age where he runs around the salon and wants to try and use the clippers on himself. Luckily our hairdresser (for me, Jameson and my hubs) is my hubs best friend of like a million years. She is one of those stylists you just have to follow wherever she goes. Luckily she cuts all of our hair for free and does my coloring for next to nothing. She watches our cats on vaycay and even wants to take our 18 month old for a weekend sometime. She is heavensent.
    I bake for the angel.
    But seriously if my kid ever acts up in public well its a short trip to the bathroom and he comes out acting like baby Jesus himself.

  7. Skinny Bone Jones Says:

    This is why you should always carry condoms on your person. You could have gently put your W down, smiled sweetly, said Allow me in a sympathetic tone to the mother and proceeded to give a demonstration on how to put on a condom with, say, a curling iron. A flat iron would do as well – they’re not all created equal, you know!

    “Aren’t you on the fast track, honey! Well, your mama is very busy, so let me show you how to do this, because it’s real important and you just can’t trust boys these days! I should know, I have a few!”

    They would have hauled ass out of there so fast and y’all could have had a good snicker that only cost you one measly Rough Rider!

  8. kadinsky Says:

    the junior tramp would have gotten my death glare right before I ‘accidentally’ tripped her triflin’ ass.

    more importantly, your hair looks fabulous! hand to Dolly, when we were laying in B’s bed yesterday morning I wanted to run my fingers through it because it looked very silky and the color was vibrant, but I didn’t want that other hooker in the bed with us to get jealous.

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