Batshit Crazy: You’re Doing it Wrong

Florida always lands dead last on my list of favorite Southern states.  In fact, every time I play the ranking game with anyone, I throw out the argument that Florida is no longer a Southern state at all.  Last time I pulled that one, though, I was in our kitchen with my copies of “White Trash Cooking” and “White Trash Cooking II” staring me in the face, and I had to bite my tongue, because as long as Florida claims “White Trash” author Ernest Matthew Mickler as a native son, I will give Florida credit where credit is due.

However,  Florida really needs to step it up in the crazy ass Southern behavior department.  This morning, Fark brought me the story of Jacksonville resident Reginald Peterson, who called 911 not once, but twice to complain to police that his Subway sandwich was not made to his liking.  When police finally arrived to arrest him, he went down peacefully, even agreeing to have his sandwich thrown away.

Dear United Nations of the South: This is not how you do Southern Gothic.  Your grotesque characters need something more substantial than an overly mayonnaised sandwich to rage over.  They should be fearsome freaks, not laughable ones.  And they should be recognizable  as Southern freaks, not just run-of-the-mill nut cases.  As Flannery O’Connor put it, “”Whenever I’m asked why Southern writers particularly have a penchant for writing about freaks, I say it is because we are still able to recognize one.”  Epic fail on that one, Reginald Peterson and Jacksonville.  You might rock out on “Cops” some day, but you’d never make it in a Faulkner novel.

P.S.  What is going on with you and yours, Peterson clan?  Y’all need to call a family meeting on Scott, Drew, and Reginald and set your house in order.  Thanks in advance for taking care of that.  Nancy Grace may not appreciate it, but the rest of us will.

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12 Responses to “Batshit Crazy: You’re Doing it Wrong”

  1. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Sorry Florida, try again. The Beach Bum is correct, that was NOT southern gothic, it was yet another demonstration of self-absorbed Yankee rudeness.

  2. dorothyzbornak Says:

    White Trash Cooking and Lynyrd Skynyrd aside, Florida is so not a Southern state. I’ll argue that ’til the day I die.

    And when cleaning up the house of Peterson, don’t forget ol’ Michael Peterson of Durham, NC. He’s the one who murdered his wife by beating her on the head with a fireplace poker and then lied and said she fell down the stairs. A former city councilman, novelist and newspaper columnist, Peterson was also carrying on a secret, gay affair with a former Army man turned internet prostitute. How’s that for your Southern gothic?

  3. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    We have a winner! Yes indeed DottyZ, that is true Southern Gothic. We don’t acknowledge Raleigh in my part of the state, so I never heard the very end of that saga…WOW.

  4. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    FLORIDA IS NOT A SOUTHERN STATE! I’m glad there are those who agree with me.

    Also not Southern states? OKLAHOMA! TEXAS! Southern Living tries to tell me otherwise, but I’m not that gullible.

  5. dorothyzbornak Says:

    The funniest part of that story was this ridiculous theory, concocted by his defense attorney, that an owl flew in the house and attacked her, and that’s how she got the cuts/marks on her scalp. And this local magazine that I worked for for about 3 months (that was really all I could stand as the publisher/editor was this spoiled, Republican blowhard/trust fund guy who married his nanny and put her in charge of ad sales for the mag) actually published this whole “expose” about the theory and how it could be true. WTF?

    And GreenEye, you must be a Charlotte girl cause it’s either one or the other around here!

  6. dorothyzbornak Says:

    @MBB: Oklahoma is a Midwestern state. Texas is half Midwest/half Southwest. As far as I’m concerned, the South stops at Louisiana. Southern Living needs to get it right.

  7. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    That’s right, Dotty! The South stops at Louisiana. Let’s take this bitchfest to the Southern Living editorial board b/c I just checked their site and was horrified to learn they also include the following states in the South:

    Delaware
    Maryland
    Missouri
    Washington, D.C.

    They need someone to learn them some geography right quick!

  8. dorothyzbornak Says:

    Oh, dear Lord! Even if you go strict Mason-Dixon line or Confederacy, Delaware was and never will be a Southern state. Maryland and Washington, D.C. also do not count as they are Mid-Atlantic states. Missouri is the Midwest. Ask anyone who lives there.

    Southern Living needs to put down the crack pipe and stop trying to up their circulation numbers/ad rates with bogus “Southern” states.

  9. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    WTF…I know my beloved Southern Living has it’s ups/downs, but this come-one-come-all be part of The South must stop! One of my best buddies live in Delaware and would laugh their ass off at that inclusion, sorry try again SL! Are non-Southerners running SL these days???

    DottyZ, we also don’t acknowledge “The Great State of Mecklenburg” in my part of the state…because well hell, they don’t acknowledge anyone else and they are a bottomless sucking pit for state money. I think we should gift them to the Beach Bum’s state!

  10. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Beach Bum, please know I do NOT consider Florida a southern state, although they try really hard. “A” for effort, but they still fail the entry test, because they have NO MANNERS and NO TRUE SOUTHERN CULTURE. It is the land of rudeness, non-southern food, and tackiness as transplanted from afar. And then the rudeness et al. decides it doesn’t want to live there anymore and comes to the Carolinas…WTF people! Go back where you came from…PLEZ!

  11. lalaland13 Says:

    I lived in East Texas, and would like to consider it Southern. It sure felt Southern to me. Maybe not Deep South, but South. Especially when I was living and going to college in “Deep East Texas,” as they call it. But Texas is a weird bird that way-the middle part is different from the eastern part is different from the western part. It’s almost like two or three different states.

    Oklahoma has Southern and Midwest influences, methinks, but I don’t know what region it would be in. Not sure what region I am in either-I’ve always thought I’d more be Southern than anything, but hmm.

  12. notaclevername Says:

    HOW I MISS THIS???

    Florida is NOT Southern. I know this. As much as I am sometimes loathe to admit it, I have spent most of my life in the South, or at least south of the Mason Dixon, and this map is correct.

    And while we’re ranking Southern states:
    Georgia
    North Carolina
    Tennessee
    Alabama
    South Carolina
    Louisiana
    Mississippi
    Arkansas

    (Sorry, Arkansas)

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