Racing to the Bottom

NPR told me this morning to stick a fork in General Motors because it’s done unless it can stop bleeding cash.  I doubt GM is goin’ down like that, though, because it is taking some important steps to plug it up, not least of which is the proposed unloading of its Hummer brand on some unsuspecting foolio.  I’ve long wondered who the people are who drive these vehicles.  My unscientific research indicates they are either douchey faux tough guys or douchey faux outdoorsmen.  Having settled that matter, I’m now wondering who would want to own not only a Hummer but the Hummer brand itself.

It turns out that Indian automaker Mahindra & Mahindra and two unnamed Chinese and Russian companies are the ones clamoring to own a brand whose sales have plummeted an astonishing 37 percent in the last year alone.  I can’t think of a good reason for a company from any of these countries to bid on Hummer.  It seems to me that China is having enough trouble dealing with its world-famous pollution without adding a brigade of Hummers to its streets:

Um, yeah.  That’s China’s Yellow River running red with pollution. 

Russia, for its part, already locked the douchey machismo factor down and isn’t really in need of a Hummer under its belt, if you will:

Putin has firmly established Summer’s Eve as the official American brand of Russia.  Hummer can’t compete with that.

Finally, we have the Indian automaker, which is allegedly in the lead to take the reins of Hummer in an era of $4.00/gallon gas.  This morning’s NPR story indicated that, although it’s unlikely there are more than a handful of consumers in India who could afford a Hummer, the acquisition is appealing to Indians because it would be a national source of pride for an Indian company to own an American brand.

Hmmm.  Okay, India, let me explain something to you.  Hummer is probably not the American brand you want.  If you have any other alternative, I suggest that you run, not walk, away from this deal.  Indian automaker Tata (snort) already purchased Land Rover from Ford, and while Land Rover isn’t really an American brand, you’d be better off to tell yourself that it is and call it a day.  There are many wonderful things about America, but Hummer isn’t one of them.  Don’t believe me?  Burn this image into your mind, and you will:


Repeat after me, India: Do. Not. Want.  You’ll thank me later.


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6 Responses to “Racing to the Bottom”

  1. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    In my part of the world, Hummers are associated with newbie, obnoxious real estate agents and the people they recruit to the mountains that are “country boy wannabes.” Hey Beach Bum if we’re exporting the Hummer why can’t I send along these 2 annoying as shit Hummer consumers as a bonus?!

    Concur, Hummers should go the way of the ’58 Edsel.

  2. dorothyzbornak Says:

    There is a douche in my neighborhood who owns a canary yellow Hummer. And yes, it’s just as ugly and obnoxious as you would imagine. Also, AGreenEyeDevil will appreciate this: it has a big, orange Clemson tiger paw plastered to the back of it. It’s like they thought, “Hmm, how can we make this even louder and uglier? Oh, I know! A giant, orange magnet!”

  3. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Oh my Dotty Z, why does this not suprise me from a Clemson fan. Send him south to Beach Bum’s lovely state and he can get that ugly as shit alumni bias SC tag for his gaudy ass ride!!

  4. cate3710 Says:

    Hummers fill me with hate, especially when I see them in NYC. Is there a less practically car for city driving? I think not.

  5. cate3710 Says:

    Er, I meant “less practical car” not practically. My rage makes it hard to see straight.

  6. amazonredheadedubervixen Says:

    “Hummers should go the way of the ‘58 Edsel.” You’re right, Devil, and they should take their douchebag owners with them. Along with trashing the environment, they’re diluting the gene pool.

    It always outraged and mystified me that people would buy these monstrosities, and now as I walk to and from work, seeing Hummers here and there in my fair city, I laugh heartily to myself at the dumb fuckers who are now paying $4+ per gallon to drive such an ugly beast of a vehicle.

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