Conservatwat of the Day: Monica Goodling

I had hoped to never, ever see Monica Goodling again.  I had prayed even harder to never, ever again hear her childlike voice defending the way she, as a 34 year-old (!) Justice Department liaison to the White House and senior adviser to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, broke the law over and over again by requiring applicants for non-political jobs to meet conservative litmus tests.

However, I’ve had a change of heart.  I would like to be the first to welcome her back into the news today.  The Justice Department’s Office of the Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility has released the second part of its report on Gonzales-era Justice Department shenanigans, and it’s a really good read.  It concludes that Goodling broke civil service laws, violated department policy, and engaged in “misconduct.” The report also depicts Goodling as a central figure in politicizing employment decisions at Justice during the Bush administration.  Best of all, the report has the actual questions our little Pat Robertson law school graduate posed to Justice Department applicants.  Inhale some helium and read them with me in your best “I’m a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World” voice, won’t you?

Tell us about your political philosophy. There are different groups of conservatives, by way of example: Social Conservative, Fiscal Conservative, Law & Order Republican.

What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?

Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public service who you admire.

One interviewee responded to the last question by indicating he admired Condoleezza Rice.  At that point, Goodling frowned and said, “But she’s pro-choice.”

High five, Monica!  That’s some killer cross examination right there.  The Babes for Baby Jesus Moot Court Team must’ve learned you hella good.  I also think you did an awesome job of living out your Christian and patriotic principles by:

Blocking the hiring of an experienced counter-terrorism prosecutor because his wife was a Democrat.

Ousting a career Justice Department attorney for her rumored sexual orientation.

Hiring inexperienced (but conservative!) immigration judges based on their party affiliation.

Requiring applicants for career jobs to fill out the political appointee form so you could find out about their political views, and telling them you were “aware it was improper, but please fill it out anyway” when they balked.

Monica Goodling, this is your day!  Enjoy this look back on your stellar legal career.  I don’t think anyone could’ve done a worse job, and while that isn’t anything to be proud of, at least you know you’re #1 in something, even if it’s fucking up the most important job of your life.


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16 Responses to “Conservatwat of the Day: Monica Goodling”

  1. dorothyzbornak Says:

    First of all, “conservatwat” is my new favorite word.

    That said, as all this unfolds, I just keep thinking about the special place in hell where Satan will corral all the members of the Bush administration. I’m hoping there’ll be near-beer and John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar” playing on a continuous loop.

  2. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Those questions sound like something from a two-bit, hicktown church beauty pagent! Holy hell.

    Did she knowingly take a job far above her experience/ability with the understanding that she would take orders from on-high, regardless of their legality? Or was she just so plain STUPID as to eviserate the rules of federal hiring?

    Please tell me her career/reputation will forever suffer for being their whore!

  3. lalaland13 Says:

    And Ted Stevens has been indicted. Ohh happy days are here again, the house of conservatards is falling, falling…..

    Yeah, she’s a twat. But she’s a twat for Jesus, so that’s OK, right?

  4. cate3710 Says:

    My answers to some of the examples:

    Tell us about your political philosophy. There are different groups of conservatives, by way of example: Social Conservative, Fiscal Conservative, Law & Order Republican.

    Law & Order liberal. Meaning I’m a liberal who likes to watch lots of L&O. Mostly SVU, some CI.

    What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?

    The closer I get to him, the better my odds are of successfully hurting him. (I’m kidding, FBI/Secret Service people!)

  5. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    MBB – Where can I find this report? Sounds like an interesting read.

  6. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    Devil: The report is here:
    It is quite long. The NYT has a good summary here:
    I confess I haven’t read the whole report b/c my heart can only take so much.

    Cate: I know, right? I was answering these questions inside my head even as I typed them. Your answers top mine, though. I was just generally shouting, “You dumb bitch, this is not a political job I’m applying for! And your law school is pretend! And single-tone hair color does not look good on anyone!”

  7. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Thanks Beach Bum! Yeah, no doubt I’ll have to partake of some Scotch to get through this one.

    In all seriousness, where did this do to her legal career?? This hopeful, liberal mind is hopeful it’s in the septic tank! Plez 2 sez yes!?

  8. nadarine Says:

    now, now, MBB, it’s not single-tone hair. She’s got some serious roots in need of a touchup.

    …and by “touchup” I mean “smack this bitch upside the head”.

  9. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    Devil: She resigned from the Justice Department. Unfortch she will not be prosecuted b/c she testified before Congress under a grant of immunity for the b.s. she pulled at Justice, including (I was not aware of this) spending $8,000 for blue drapes to cover the partially nude Art Deco statues in Justice Department’s Great Hall. I do not know whether she is practicing law now. Probably not, as she is engaged to Michael Krempasky, founder of the Hitler Youth blog

    It’s a feel-good story, I tell you!

  10. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Beach Bum: Those 2 need to be on a watch list at SPLC.

  11. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    Ohhh, an article from Seattle this evening coined “Goodlingization” for the destruction wrought by Shrub & Co, I think conservatwat is a little more colorful, but hey you’re ahead of the curve Beach Bum!

  12. cate3710 Says:

    @MBB: Ooh, I remember the drapes! I think that was under Ashcroft.

  13. myrtlebeachbum Says:

    Ding, ding, ding, Cate! Drapegate was an Ashcroft-era Goodling shenanigan. I will now present you with one broken beach chair and a frayed boogie board. Enjoy!

  14. E.M. Says:

    This week, Prof. Jonathon Turley was on Countdown and/or Verdict and was discussing attorneys like Monica Goodling and Kyle Sampson facing discipline proceedings by their respective bar associations, if and when a complaint is ever filed against them.

  15. AGreenEyeDevil Says:

    E.M., where’s the form and the mailing address, I’m more than glad to file the damn complaint if I qualify to do so!

  16. E.M. Says:


    The links to the complaint forms are included in the factual allegations I prepared for Monica Goodling and Kyle Sampson.

    You’re qualified. Just print and sign the complaint; print the factual allegations and mail the complaint and allegations to the address noted on the complaint. If you file one (or more) complaints, I’d appreciate an e-mail so I can track the matter(s).

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